Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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