you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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