Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
