Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
