woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
