I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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