That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
