my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
