hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
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"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
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Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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