Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
