To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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