she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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