You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
