I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
