Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
