I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
