just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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