apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
