I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
