I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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