theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
