In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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