hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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