You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
