Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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