she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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