I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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