My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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