he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
