I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
