I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
