I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
