The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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