i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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