I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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