So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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