I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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