I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
