is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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