I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
