I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Small penises have feelings too.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize