My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
