just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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