Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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