Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
