I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
