Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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