yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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