ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
