I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
