I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
