Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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