What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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