i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love having hate sex.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
