Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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