We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
