hotel room ftw
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
